Blessed

Wow. The last couple of years or so the back of my mind has been so occupied by thoughts of what I don't have, that I neglected to take into account everything that I do have.

Haha, these started out pure white but I had so much fun that by the end of the night they were stained, soiled, and the shoes were scuffed pretty bad. But it was worth it.

Monday was my 27th birthday and so far I am thankful that I haven't joined the 27 club (yet). I kicked things off with a party on Saturday night, a special reunion with my childhood friends. I can't believe I've known them like 20 years now it's really crazy to think about. The last time we had all gotten together was 8 years ago but for the most part they haven't changed-- and that's a good thing. Sure they have better jobs and some of them are married now and whatnot but they're still the brothers I grew up with. It was so much fun.

Believe it or not that's actually bison meat. But it tastes pretty much the same as beef. Actually I prefer beef because it's fattier.

Sunday I spent with the people who never let me down, whom I have unconditional love for-- my family. I finally got around to watching Jurassic World (haha I know I'm slow on the movies) and there was a little wine festival in the area. All-in-all it was good just enjoying a chill day with them.

Monday started off pretty chill. It was cool getting all those birthday wishes from my friends and family, then I set out to the city to meet up with my old coworker. We chilled by the waterfront eating oysters and having beer, just catching up and all that. There was a ton to catch up on, and I had missed his birthday so it was pretty cool. The oysters were damn delicious and then we hit up this spot in Chinatown.

My other ex-coworker couldn't make it out on Monday. So Tuesday night we had drinks then went to the comedy club together to see Mark Normand do live stand-up. It was HILARIOUS!!!

Being the workaholic that I am, I have been feeling a little "guilty" that I've just been having fun nonstop and not working or working on anything hahaha. This Friday I have an interview for a position as a supervisor. It's not that big a jump career-wise but it's the first rung of management so it will be nice even just to have it on my resume. Until then, I have to catch up on my errands and chores.

Hopefully I have some time to be creative too. I feel like it's been too long since I've done artwork or something so I wanna get around to it.

Been practicing my Tagalog again too. Other than that, I'm taking a break from my online dating apps/sites. The attention is nice but sometimes it just kinda burns me out. Meeting people naturally is still preferable for me. 

Cashed this out for over $100 :)

Last but not least I have to give thanks to my mother. Without her I wouldn't be here in the first place. It's been almost 10 years now but she's been alive every day in my heart.

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.”

— The Serenity Prayer, Reinhold Niebuhr

Depth

:)

I'm gonna try to keep this entry short. There's not actually much progress on the business or creative front right now. It's been mostly a lot of planning and a bit of a waiting game as well. Been working on a business plan as well as saving up for the start-up costs. I had a special date in mind this month for launching the t-shirt line but I may have to push it back to later this year. Been working A LOT. Doing some 6 day work weeks and trying to be "austere" in my spending although I haven't let that stop me from going out every now and then. Besides that, I haven't had a lot of time to be creative. My energy has been stretched kind of thin lately and when I do have some time off I've just been recharging or spending leisure time with friends or family.

I love crab <3

I did have some philosophical/psychological thoughts I wanted to get out though. In my reading and listening I've come across the idea of depth; or favoring intensiveness over extensiveness.

“Value intensiveness more than extensiveness. Perfection consists in quality, not quantity. Everything very good has always been brief and scarce; abundance is discreditable. Even among people, giants are usually the true dwarves. Some value books for their sheer size, as if they were written to exercise our arms not our wits. Extension alone can never rise above mediocrity, and the misfortune of all-embracing individuals is that, wanting to deal with everything, they deal with nothing. Intensity leads to distinction, and to heroic distinction if the matter is sublime”

— Pocket Oracle and the Art of Prudence, Baltasar Gracian

Snapped this picture to show one of my clients. Now it's filler for my blog :p

A youtube guru named Tai Lopez touches on the subject and calls it the Law of 18%. Roughly speaking that you should focus your investment on the 18% of things or people that generate the greatest return. 

And I've been thinking about that and how in terms of social life that in the past I made in effort to not fall in too deep with any one group so that I could "get along" with the wider range of people. I even mentioned it in an earlier blog. After what I've been exposing myself to recently I thought maybe I was being counterproductive all this time and that I should be more focused on deepening the relationships that count and ignoring or putting less into the ones that haven't been much help at all.

So putting it into practice, I've been getting in touch with childhood friends and talking to them more. Spending time with them because those are the bonds I have that run deepest. And I've found that even though in a lot of cases our interests or personalities have diverged quite a bit, the bond remains strong because of all the things we've lived through together.

With the people I've met more recently, I've also been trying to focus more on the people who give back and less on the people that don't. By focusing on the people who really support me and want to get together, I've been feeling a lot happier. The 82% of people that don't care about me aren't worth investing in or thinking about. But hey, if they want to come around and be real sometime they will find the door open :) I think this quote sums it up nicely-- though I'm not sure who it's attributed to:

"Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind."

That idea also extends into my goals and activities. There's so much I want to do but I have to narrow things down and knock it out one at a time. Focus on the more important things first. I've been thinking about all I want to participate in and accomplish, but it's been making me scatterbrained (especially with all the working, commuting, and business planning I've been doing). For example, I really want to do some traveling but for now it's best if I save up and get the goals that matter most out of the way first. Like getting a better job/career and starting my business. 

Another example is that I've been wanting to learn to play an instrument and take up a new hobby. But I have to get everything else in order so that I have time and energy (and money) to put into all that.

So I think this is a good point to wrap things up. There's a lot to do~!

Fear

Well, this is just another stream-of-consciousness update. I've mostly been focusing on my job lately. Need to save up money for this business. And it doesn't help that I just got hit with $800 to repair my laptop AGAIN. But, it's good having it back-- from now I gotta be super careful.

I've been listening to a lot of motivational and personal growth talks and whatnot. And I was thinking about how oftentimes fear prevents us from getting what we really want in life.

In the predicament of my business, it's fear of failure AND fear of success. Like if I fail, then not only do I lose money but I anticipate the humiliation in the back of my mind as well. I already have enough haters as it is, and I don't wanna give them even more fuel to feed on. Likewise, I don't want to let down the people that DO support me.

And fear of what happens if this thing really blows up, too. I mean like what if this gets so big that I can't handle it on my own anymore? How will it be in the beginning, trying to handle all of this business myself? What if I mess up on something and my business gets a bad rep? What if business is really good but I mess up on my taxes and get in trouble with the IRS?

All the little worries...

At work even, I tell myself sometimes that I should really get into management to breathe a little new life into my career and bump up my income bracket. I've barely been in my new department for 2 weeks or so now and my new manager already says she sees the potential in me. That's not the first time either, 2 out of the past 3 managers I've had before her expressed the same assessment of me. And deep down I know I could do a good job and succeed at it. I just fear getting more invested in a career path that may take valuable time and energy from what I really want in life. As a manager I'd probably be more busy and most of my energy would go into work. That would leave me with less to put into my own business.

Anyway, I think this year if I am still at the same company by holiday I will try to get into management for sure. Right now, however, it's too early in my new department to be making forays into that territory. I know from past experience that when they say you could be a manager they start by having you "practice" within the department on your coworkers. Since I'm new, not everyone in the department even knows me-- much less, respects me. So I think that would put me on a fast track to being a magnet of resentment. Law Number 1: Never Outshine the Master.

These envelopes be poetic...

This concept of fear obstructing us extends into relationships as well. I just went over this article that touches on that:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201401/7-reasons-most-people-are-afraid-love

And just from my own experience and observations it's not just the things mentioned in that article. A lot of times fear will prevent even the seeds from being planted. I mean that in a few different ways. The most obvious one being fear of rejection. What stops a lot of people from being successful in attraction--or even trying--is self-consciousness and self-absorption. I know that sounds odd when it's put that way but it's true. A lot of people think too much of themselves and their own security. They're not really trying to make the other person happy or create a pleasurable atmosphere for both parties. No, instead they are way too focused on not looking foolish, not looking desperate, not looking needy, etc... And they are too focused on benefitting themselves. They don't have a real sense of confidence or security and so dread putting themselves in a position where they are vulnerable to the judgment of others. Coming from a place of true confidence means that despite what others think and despite the results you get, you will be able to continue functioning with self-esteem.

With all that in mind, fear of rejection and fear of emotional pain is actually the reason why "bad boys" (and bad girls) exist. Okay, maybe there's a few people that are just born rebels but for the most part these kinds of people are created by past hurts. Most people start out idealistic about love but after successive hurts and disappointments their hearts start getting harder and harder and their walls higher and higher. Strangely enough, that guarded stance and emotional detachment come off as "confidence" and "high value" (like they are too good to talk to you or open up, which creates a challenge, which gets people "chasing"). Which is why people grow attracted to them. 

Lastly, just in general the more we experience these things the harder it becomes to trust people. Trust is essential and you can't force someone or "persuade" them into trusting you. It has to be earned. But oftentimes, sometimes through no fault of your own, people will be so closed off that they won't even give you the opportunity to earn that trust. It could be that they are just so scared of being hurt from past experiences. Or maybe it is a little bit of your fault, that you said or did something that most people takes as humor but because of what that person has experienced it triggers their walls.

Finally, all that said I am trying to overcome my own fears both in business/career matters and in personal relationships. It's tough and sometimes I catch myself going back into that defensive mode but I have to remind myself nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Back on the topic of business before I close out. I have been doing a lot of research and I think the best thing for me to do right now is to come up with a business plan for doing the t-shirt store with the traditional business model. I have found a few manufacturers that will do very low minimums. Even though that cuts into profits, right now the main thing for me is to get my products on the market so even if it doesn't make a lot of money I can start building a brand presence.

Also, I've gotten back in touch with couple of classmates that may be able to help me moving forward. One is really good with marketing and merchandising so she may be able to help me with the business side of things. The other is really good at pattern-making and construction. While I don't need that right now, I probably will in the future as I go into making a full clothing line so it will be good to have her help in that venture.

:)